Being effective at taking on challenging conversations, often referred to as crucial conversations, can make your life and work more straightforward. This is a desirable skill for employers as it saves businesses time and money.
This article outlines the techniques that are necessary to manage crucial conversations, with much of the information based on Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler's (2002) book Crucial Conversations- Tools for Talking when Stakes are High.
We discuss the following topics:
A crucial conversation is a dialogue between two or more people which involves a significant level of risk - their opinions differ, emotions are running high, and the result of the conversation could have significant implications for all parties involved. Just some examples of crucial conversations include dealing with disrespectful colleagues, raising a concern when there is an issue with a project proposal, or addressing another individual who is underperforming.
In high-stakes conversations, you may display certain warning signs such as physical symptoms (e.g. stress, anxiety), emotional responses (e.g. fear, anger), or behavioural indications (e.g. avoidance of the conversation, engaging in unhelpful behaviours). Paying close attention to these signals can help to determine if a conversation is a crucial one.
Humans converse all the time but our communication skills tend to be more unreliable in situations containing a higher level of risk. This is likely due to the fact that humans are accustomed to communicating in low-stakes exchanges, meaning that we've become less mindful in our communication and more automatic in our responses. In crucial conversations, it is necessary to pay close attention to all aspects of the conversation, such as our thoughts, emotions, words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and behaviours. As we are not used to performing such a detailed analysis, our conversations can fail, and the repercussions can be significant.
When dealing with high-stakes conversations, there are three possible reactions; avoidance, performing poorly, or performing effectively. Avoidance is the most common reaction, according to a survey conducted by VitalSmarts which asked 1,025 managers and employees about situations when they had failed to speak up at their workplace. Poor performance often occurs due to the stress response being activated and a lack of preparation, while effective performance is determined by assessing how effectively you've historically managed challenging conversations.
It is important to determine the context of the conversation prior to it taking place. For example, is the issue an individual one, one which reoccurs, or an interpersonal problem? By evaluating the gravity of the issue, it becomes easier to determine how the conversation should be handled.
Before entering the conversation, it is essential to understand its purpose. Being aware of the goal of the conversation can help to maintain focus throughout, even in the face of differing opinions and strong emotions.
Choosing a suitable time and location for the conversation is essential for its success - it should be somewhere where all participants can concentrate solely on the discussion, and it is important to make sure everyone is in agreement about when and where it will take place.
As crucial conversations can be demanding for all parties, it is important to approach the conversation with empathy and compassion. Additionally, it is equally important to remember that these conversations can provide an opportunity for learning, so try to enter the conversation with an open mind.
When faced with a difficult decision, having a conversation can seem like a daunting task. However, dialogue � the free flow of meaning between people � is an essential part of making the best decisions. As outlined in the book "Crucial Conversations", mastering the conversation can be tricky, so here are a few tips for managing crucial conversations effectively.
The first step is to become self-aware and identify when you are in a crucial conversation. If your reaction is to safeguard your interests instead of speaking up, it can be difficult to create a shared understanding of the situation. Consider your motives � what do you want for yourself, for others, and for your relationship? Refute any notion that you must choose between winning or losing, harmony or honesty. Look for a way to accomplish both and bring about dialogue.
The next step is to make sure that everyone feels safe to discuss their thoughts and opinions. This can be done by having a mutual purpose and mutual respect, and using tools such as apologising and contrasting. The CRIB tool can help people get on the same page, and the VirtualSpeech app can help practice difficult conversations. Additionally, the four AMPP listening tools (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime) can assist in creating an atmosphere of trust.
Strong emotions can be difficult to control in crucial conversations, and it is important to consider not only what you say but how you say it. Utilize the STATE skills which include expressing your facts and story without offending, exploring the other person's facts and story, and speaking openly and honestly without hurting others.
Once the conversation has transitioned into action, it is important to clearly outline each responsibility and allocate it to a specific person. Set deadlines for each task and follow up to ensure that progress is being made. Document all decisions and commitments made in order to create accountability.
Asking for feedback from others can be a great way to determine your strengths and weaknesses in crucial conversations. Through gaining insight from others, you can ensure that your efforts are focused in the right area and that the challenging conversations become easier to manage.
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